curb your orgasm

larry david and I have it out

This story takes place in the fall of 2005 (not that this matters to you bastards). I was desperately trying to catch up on my chaptering duties for porn powerhouse Evil Angel. At the time I was working on two movies. One was Rocco’s Reverse Gangbang; a “gangbang” in porn parlance is when one female takes on multiple men, but in a “reverse gangbang,” a man fucks a multitude of women. (What a horrible, horrible job, Mr. Rocco Siffredi!) The other movie, I believe, was the transgender-porn classic, Nacho Vidal’s She Said “Blow Me!” I can’t exactly recall why we were behind schedule, but the most likely culprit was our fuckface editor’s incompetence. Over a few months, because of multiple issues, I’d had to put in extra time on the weekends. It was late Sunday night when it all began…

I started receiving texts and voice messages, all congratulating me for my contribution to the latest episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I didn’t understand what was going on until my old bud, Sean L. McCarthy, called. You see, Sean wrote for the Boston Herald 16 years ago, covering entertainment and especially standup comedy. He congratulated me for my work that night, but I explained I’d had nothing to do with it. He was surprised, and told me about the recently aired “Kamikaze Bingo” episode in which Larry David has dinner with a Japanese art dealer named Yoshi; Yoshi’s grandfather was a retired Kamikaze pilot. (Note: This same premise had been a part of my own act, and Sean had heard me deliver that joke in years previous.) In the Curb scene, as you’ve probably guessed, Larry ends up insulting Yoshi and the usual comedic anarchy is loosed upon the world.

After a short discussion, Sean asked me if it was okay for him to do some investigating. I said sure, not thinking what harm it could do. I didn’t know that an investigation means to perform research and actually print the damn facts in an article! Jeez, Sean! His account was widely read, especially in the Boston area, and I heard that Larry David had also recently been written up in the same periodical for some environmental violation in Martha’s Vineyard. So, as I later found out, by then he was pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty annoyed with all this bad press. 

Anyhoo, I just didn’t know what I’d gotten into. A few days later, working at my cubicle, I received a call from a 310 area code. Although I didn’t recognize the number, I answered anyway, since I was no longer afraid of bill collectors. After “Hello?” the caller asked if I was Yoshi. I said, “Yes, who’s this?” and the caller replied calmly, “This is Larry David.” At that point, I was trying to figure out who the hell is Larry David, not thinking THE Larry David would call me. For a second, I thought that maybe my friend Craig Gass was doing another of his phenomenal impressions and mocking me. However, I quickly realized this was legit. As I tried to process what was going on, he was basically telling me how unfortunate the whole situation was. Then, I made a showbiz faux pas by accusing him and/or his writing staff of stealing my joke.

Larry defensively countered that he doesn’t have a writing staff, he’s been in the business for 30+ years, and doesn’t steal jokes. I actually did believe what he was saying, but his attitude grated on me. Larry didn’t even give me the courtesy of asking if I had a few minutes to speak (dude, I’m working on she-male and squirting movies! I’m very busy!). We started getting loud, and at one point my boss’s wife rightfully asked me to be quiet. After we were done talking, some of my colleagues thought I was crazy for claiming to have a conversation with Larry David. The whole time we were talking, I really couldn’t tell whether Larry had called to complain or to apologize; he’s the same irritating schmuck from the show.

Some show business friends told me later that I should’ve asked him for lunch or a coffee meeting, but he really bugged me, and when I’m in that state I don’t make very good decisions. Basically, I’d had my name and joke used, and all I got in return was a shitty phone call! In fact, I was so wound up after the conversation that I said to myself, “Jesus Christ, Hitler was right. They are fucking annoying!”

(Now I know that last comment is very rude and anti-Semitic, but please remember that I grew up in Japan, wartime ally to the Reich. We didn’t call him evil Hitler, we called him Uncle Hitler… I’m just saying.)

Eventually, I went back to my DVD chaptering duties, so this was literally just another chapter in my Porn Valley life. The job seems very inconsequential to many people, but I took it very seriously. Every time I worked, I had to curb my orgasm and keep on indexing our content so the rest of you could enjoy it properly. While Larry did insult both fictional and real Yoshis, I have to admit I’ve watched every episode minus “Bingo Kamikaze” — and Curb Your Enthusiasm is a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty fucking funny show!