boogie nightmare

boogie nightmare

Every once in a while I get very intriguing texts, and they almost always have something to do with porn. One day, I received a message from an assistant to a very prominent Hollywood talent manager.  

He needed me to assist one of his clients, so I said to have that person contact me. He said, “She’ll call you.” A few minutes later, I got the call. “Hi Yoshi! This is Maya Rudolph. Can you help me get porn stars for my husband’s birthday?” (At least that’s how I remember it.)

I don’t want to bore you with the details, but basically her husband was turning 40, and she wanted porn stars to goof on him during the party. And all that made sense, because her husband is the great auteur himself, Paul Thomas Anderson! The creator of the magnificent Boogie Nights! I love that movie! For someone working in the porn business, a chance to help PT Anderson is like a random Muslim being asked to interview the writer of the Koran (you know, the New York Times #1 bestseller since 2001).

Anyhoo, I needed two porn girls. Frankly, I didn’t know it was going to be such a fucking clusterfuck to book performers. It gave me so much more respect for someone like legendary porn manager Mark Spiegler and his ability to handle the porn ladies, getting them to actually show up on time and do their job professionally. 

What happened with me was I booked porn star “A,” then I added porn star “B.” Then A tells me that she hates B, so I replace B with porn star “C.” But by then porn star A flakes on me. This went on ad nauseum. By the time I finally locked in the two “perfect” girls, I was so behind in my work, I couldn’t even take them to the party, bogged down by yet more messy recordkeeping for some transgender porn vid. My friend, the great industry insider Peter Warren, was nice enough to accompany both girls. I, on the other hand, worked a graveyard shift, wondering how the momentous event was going, and spending the rest of my boogieless night imagining the festivities.

I wonder if Heather Graham’s Rollergirl would’ve liked me. I can only dream…